Background Info
When I was younger, my parents had several rules about the clothing my sisters and I could wear. I remember that all my shorts had to be at least fingertip length at all times. If I lifted my arms and my shirt lifted above my tummy, that wasn’t modest either. Even down to if something cut down a certain way on my chest, it wasn’t appropriate (even when I didn’t have a chest). Of course, as a believer, I think it is important to dress modestly, in clothes that aren’t revealing more than what should be for your husband’s eyes, but I think the church has misconstrued this to the point where it is now harming our children.
Once I got married and was no longer under my parents’ “rule.” I wrestled with which doctrines I would hold onto and which I would not. Particularly, how would I dress now that I am on my own? Last summer, I had decided I might want to buy a bikini top. My swimsuits had always been modest, and the bottoms had to cover MY bottom completely. I didn’t even have a tankini until I was 18. I wanted my husband to like what I wore, though. I wanted to dress cute for him on our beach trips or family vacations. I wanted him to look over and think, “damn, I have a hot wife.” (Not that he doesn’t when I am not wearing a swimsuit.) It took a while, though, for me to be comfortable with the idea; my counselor even suggested a book for me to read. The book is titled “She Deserves Better,” written by Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach, and Joanna Sawatsky. It does a full breakdown on purity culture and how it is harmful. I absolutely recommend you give it a read, as it helped frame what I was feeling in a much better light.
How Did Being Raised In a Purity Culture Affect Me?
Between the ages of 10 and 14, whenever I needed clothes for an event or something, we would first look through the hand-me-down boxes or my sister’s clothes to see if we had anything. If not, we would go out to Kohl’s.
Even at that young age, I would dread shopping with my mom. Anything that I thought was “cute” was never up to standard. There was always something wrong with it. Everything was “Too Worldly.” Several times, my mom would make comments about how she felt bad for her mom because she remembers doing the same exact thing to her. Whenever I would try to find something I wanted to wear, my mom would say, “When you have kids, you can make the rules. For right now, though, you are the kid in our relationship.” We spent countless hours in stores arguing about what I should wear, and we both came away from the experiences even more distant after the fact. Most of the time, we left with nothing, or I left with whatever would appease my mother. Something I could wear for the one occasion, and then it would become a permanent closet decoration. To be honest, there are still certain stores I have a hard time shopping at because of this.
As a teenager, I couldn’t dress cute, so I didn’t feel cute. I was always self-conscious about what I would wear. I wanted to be the cute romper kid or the average teenage girl at the time. Because I was unable, I wore the same thing every time I went out. A pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and a low ponytail. It was something I could control, and something I’d get approval on every single time. There were many reasons my parents believed I was a non-believer at the time, possibly one being my rebellion against their wishes, but now that I am older, I still cannot understand why wearing leggings without a shirt down to my knees was as big a deal as it was to my perceived salvation. I understand their concern about clothing. There are bad people out there.
Raising Different Genders Different Ways
A lot of men (and women) want to hurt little girls, but why do we continue to let that reflect on how people dress? Bad people don’t care about what you are wearing. If they want to hurt you, being fully covered from head to toe won’t stop them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying to just flaunt everything your mama gave you. That being said, there seems to be a consistent way girls and boys are treated within the church when it comes to issues of modesty and sex. Women have the verses on modesty thrown at them from every direction. 1 Timothy 2:9 (NIV) says, “In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array.” I cannot even count the number of times this verse has been spoken over me. The problem? It says nothing about clothing. It’s a verse on pride. What verse do I barely ever hear? Matthew 18:9 (NIV): “And if your eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.”
Believers as a whole have adopted the idea that women should dress a certain way so that we don’t become a stumbling block, but boys are not taught to look away. A while ago, I asked my husband if his mom had ever had conversations with him about not lusting after women when they were dressed a certain way. (This came up because she had made a comment on a woman’s clothing around my sister-in-law and me) Unsurprisingly, she hadn’t. Most people don’t. For girls, on the other hand, everyone has heard “don’t cause your brothers in Christ to stumble.” So now, as a society, we have it programmed into us that when someone is assaulted, it is the woman’s fault. “What was she wearing?” is typically the first question out of people’s mouths, and there is something not right about that. Purity culture victim blames instead of holding sexual abusers accountable.
Insecurity Issues
A lot of women walk away from abuse feeling like it is partly their fault, and it shouldn’t be that way, but it is taught at such a young age. As women, we are taught to be ashamed of our bodies, to hide. In Purity culture, we are taught that the bodies we are given are something to be ashamed of. What do we have to fill the void? The girls we see on tv. The skinny, fit, and pretty girls that we see daily. I am speaking from my own personal experience, but I am sure other women can relate. I was taught to hide, so I became ashamed. Eventually, it led to eating issues and anxiety about my looks. It became overwhelming when I went to class and was around guys I liked. I felt awful inside and felt like everyone was perceiving me as ugly and unattractive. I developed a lot of social anxiety as a result. I started wearing hoodies 24/7 to hide my body as it was growing in certain areas. So even though I was dressing modestly, I still felt like I had to cover up because I believed people hated what they saw.
Conclusion
So how should women dress? To be honest, I still haven’t found the right answer. The Holy Spirit may convict certain people in certain ways, or your spouse may have certain preferences based on their walk with Christ.
Maybe I dress immodestly at times, or maybe what I am wearing is just fine. If I feel like an outfit may be too revealing, I always ask my husband if it is okay. He is the head of our marriage. A couple of times, when I have asked, he has offered other clothing alternatives. He shows me how to dress modestly in love. My parents controlled me because that is what they were taught to do. I am still healing my body image issues. I still have a hard time looking in the mirror sometimes, but I am learning that I don’t have to hide my body.